Second Try at Living Together

Couples may see taking another pass at their relationship, including moving back in together, after a break up as either overly simple or impossibly difficult. The good news lies somewhere in between the two poles. The trickiest thing will be the return to cohabitation as the majority of pitfalls occur when people reduce their footprint as it allows for all the challenges to be magnified. Taking certain steps increases the chances of success.

Know the Why

Moving in together can be done for multiple reasons. One should understand the specific reasons they and their partner are looking to join forces in the most intimate way. Being aware of this before taking the plunge prevents any problems achieving those goals. If one of the couple is not on board, everything may end as their first pass. What are some possible whys?

* Taking a Next Step: Some couples say this is making sure they are compatible in a living arrangement.
* Saving Money: With an eye toward the future, couples may wish to cut expense and put the money aside for a big purchase.
* Finding a Lease Release: A lease ends and one apartment is not getting used that much anyway.
* Longing for More Time: Couples want to be in proximity to one another.

These and countless other reasons can crop up to explain why it is time to move back in together. This may become trickier after the first time of living together because one might decide to say what their partner wishes to hear rather than being honest about what they feel.

Create Separation

The second time around resist the urge to meld everything into one big mass. The individuals must have individual parts of themselves to permit vitality within themselves and the relationship. Let’s take a look at some things needing a slice of separation.

Personal Possession: Combining streaming queues and full libraries along with pots and pans the first week may lead to trouble if another uncouple occurs.

Finances: Keep financial responsibilities apart for the short term. There can be a joint account or separation of bills, so everyone is equally committed to the relationship.

Space/Time/Activities: Each person needs to have a space to get away to, time to themselves and things they pursue without their partner. This adds variety, conversation points and areas for personal growth.

Proceed with Caution and Hope

Too often, couples taking a second tour are wiser for the first attempt. They recall fights along with hot button issues. Because of this, they can go slow without creating an environment of distrust. At the same time, they should not be living as though it will all go wrong. An open heart and mind will permit conversations about the future without short changing the expected growth.

Moving forward, the couple staying together witness several of these safeguards will fall by the wayside naturally. Money talks will be about the couple and not the individual. Shared activities will become more common. Libraries and home goods will grow indistinguishable from who they started with. Holding on too long to separateness will prevent growth. If one uses fear to prevent progression, they need to talk with their partner. Getting closer means talking about it and stretching for the future.

Volleyball is Self-Control!

There is a universal principle we all learn.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction!

In working with human beings the principle usually gets amped a bit:
for every action there is an even greater and opposite reaction. If you
are a parent or a teacher or anyone that works with kids, you
understand this.

Kids are playing and all of the sudden you see a student react to
something that was done to them. You didn’t see what caused the
reaction. You only see the effect of the cause.
Who gets in trouble?

The reaction because you didn’t see the reaction. It happens in sports
all the time. A player has something done to them and they react. The
referee or umpire penalizes the player who reacted. That player
usually wines or complains to the authority about what was done to
them.

Bottom line is that if that penalized player had exercised self-control
they wouldn’t have received the penalty or foul. We all get our
buttons pushed, but we must instill in our players self-control.

So how do we help our players exercise self-control? Glad you asked :).

There is a secret to self-control. It is actually hidden in the very word.
Before we get to the secret, let’s talk about why people don’t exercise
self-control. We lose control because we think we are in control. We
lose control because, as we discussed in an earlier article, we rob
people of their control and responsibility. We believe we are in
control of others actions.

When they don’t act in the way we want we get frustrated because
they aren’t doing what we want. (Just look at how irritated you get
when the TV remote doesn’t work readily. You knock it a little bit
and if that doesn’t work you hit it. Amazing how our TV habits are
closer to real life than we’d like to admit. That’s a different
discussion.)

Our puffed up notions of our ability to control others or circumstances
is actually what leads us to a lack of self-control. So, as coaches we
need to take a pin and deflate that notion. Here’s the secret. You’ve
probably figured it out. This is the pin that deflates puffed up sense of
control. You can only control yourself.

Help your players understand that people will push your buttons,
circumstances will tempt you to be frustrated but they are in control of
the reaction. They cannot control the actions that will come. They can
only control the reaction.

Warmly
Hayley